A Letter: I’m sorry

Dear everbody,

I can do nothing else than start of with saying that I’m sorry. I’ve been frustrated and angry with myself, but most of all dissappointed.

On the lovely day of the 8th of February I started this blog, it was just after a TedXYouth conference I’d gone to. I had been incredibly inspired by it and I wanted to do something in my life that would be challenging, but also very fun and possibly helpful, not per se for someone reading it, but for myself.
I started this blog with the idea to post something every day for a year, it was going to be a great project. And it was that when I started of, I felt like I was writing about the things that mattered to me, small or big. However, the longer I went on the more I felt like I was not writing anything worth posting, I was just trying to come up with things I could just quickly write. Doing that didn’t feel right, it felt like I was betraying you and me.
During the summer holiday I wrote stuff less and less frequently. I often said in posts that it was because I was busy, which I truly was, but more than that I was feeling uninspired, out of ideas. With this came that I wasn’t doing great mentally and I still am struggeling.

My last post was the day before I moved to England to study here. Nothing specifically happened that made me decide that I wasn’t going to post anymore, it was more my life in general.
Here I was in York, England. I moved into my univeristy accommodation, my parents left and all of the sudden I was living on my own and I didn’t know anybody. It was definitely a surreal experience, and something I never want to go through again.
My fresher’s week was alright, I am very fortunate with my flatmates, because they are all lovely people. I’m not someone who likes to go clubbing, so it was really nice that I had people in my flat who also didn’t like doing that. I spend most of the week with those people and even though everybody was incredibly nice, you still didn’t know anyone, which made everything you did extremely awkward.

The first weeks were very difficult, I struggled to make friends on my course, which was hitting me hard. I also felt overwhelmed by all the English and I panicked every time I didn’t understand something.
These things soon got better though, I still don’t have that many friends on my course, but I have people to sit next to in lectures and I have ‘acquaintances’ in my workshop group. I’ve also become really good friends with one of my flatmates and I’ve become quite good friends with two others.
Also another very important thing is that I love my course. I’m studying chemistry and before I came there had been periods where I just wasn’t sure about my choice. However I’m really enjoying it, it’s hard work, but it’s good.

I’ve been here now for nine weeks and I’m feeling good about that. Living on my own has been a really good thing for me personally, I feel a lot happier than before I moved here. However, as I said before it is an ongoing journey and I do definitely have days when I feel overwhelmed and stressed and sometimes my anxiety just kicks in. But I can bounce back from those days.

Now back to this blog, I feel that I am ready to start writing again, but I don’t want to fall back into my old patterns. I’ve decided to no longer write a post every day, because I’ll end up with a bunch of horrible posts. Instead I want to post a blog every week on Sunday. I still really wanted to do something regular, but I also needed to do something that I felt comfortable with.

I know that this has been a very long post, but I felt like I had to get this all out. I wanted to give you an insight into what has been going on with my life these past two months. I am really sorry that I just left without any explanation and I wished that I hadn’t, but I can’t change the past.

I’m now ready to have a new start!

Love,

Suzanne

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